Saurabh Raj

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A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.

After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp read, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.

In very tiny letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”

A blonde went to a flight school insisting that she wanted to learn to fly.

As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.

He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in.

“I’m doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I’m starting to get the hang of this.”

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly.

The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn’t radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away.

He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, “I don’t know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!”

–

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid. The price was high but the fine bird was finally his!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!”

“Don’t worry,” said the Auctioneer, “He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.

“Not Gutenberg?” gasped the collector.

“Yes, that was it!”

“You idiot! You’ve thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million dollars!”

“Oh, I don’t think this book would have been worth anything close to that much,” replied the man. “It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther.”

There was an Irishman, a Russian and a Japanese man, all set out on a journey looking for work. They go by a quiet little dusty town and see a sign advertising work in the local coal mine. The pay is great, so they go off and look for the boss. They find him and he tells them “Well, you know, I don’t usually hire foreigners here, but you three seem like a nice bunch, I’ll give you a try. I want you, the Irishman, to go back in the mine and work on digging, you have the muscles to get the task done well every day. You, the Russian, I want you to cart out the coal every day and load it into the trains. And you, the Japanese man, I want you to be in charge of providing supplies to the people in the mine.”

Well, on the second day, the boss goes down to th mine to check in on his new employees. He sees the Russian toting coal up out of the mines and loading it onto the trains and he’s satisfied. He goes down into the mine to check on the Irishman and the Japanese man. Well, he sees the Irishman digging out the coal, but the Japanese man is nowhere in sight. He asks the Irishman if he’s seen him lately and he responds “No, nobody has seen him all day, we’re running low on supplies down here.”

Fearing the worst, the boss starts wandering around the mine looking for his worker. Suddenly, out from behind a pile of rubble, the Japanese man jumps out, scaring the crap out of the boss and yells “SUPPLIES!!!”

–

“Would you please help me?” the blonde asked. “I bought a nine-pound
turkey. Could you tell me how long to cook it in my new microwave?”
“Just a minute” the food editor said as he turned to check his
reference book.
“Oh thank you” she said. “You’ve been a big help. Good-bye!”

After finishing an out-of-town errand I discovered that my car wouldn’t start because it was out of gas. A passer-by told me there was a service station a half mile away so I took a gas can from the trunk and trudged the distance in the sweltering sun.
The attendant filled my two gallon can and I lugged it back and poured the gas into the tank. But when I tried to unlock the car door it wouldn’t open. Just then I noticed an identical old car parked a short distance away. That was my car. I had filled a stranger’s gas tank.
Wearily I walked back to the station. The attendant suggested helpfully”You know instead of walking back and forth to fill the tank from the can you could put a couple of gallons in the tank and then drive the car here.”

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,

“Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”

The third fellow says “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”

The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” they asked.

“She said, ‘Get out from under the bed and fight like a man’.”

The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on his face.
 
The owner asks the clerk, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?”
 
The clerk says, “Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives.”
 
The owner says, “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
 
The clerk says, “Oh yeah? Look at him-he’s afraid to cough!”

A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon arrival, the doctor said that they had a new machine that would transfer by kinetic energy a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father.
 
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor initially set the pain-transfer level to 10 percent, saying that was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
 
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
 
At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
 
She and her husband were ecstatic but when they returned home, they found the milkman was dead on the porch.