Saurabh Raj

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. She was so upset that she went up to the man and said, “I was going to park there!”

The man, being a real smart alec, said, “Oh, well, that’s what you can do when you’re young and bright.”

This made the lady even angrier, so she got in her car, backed up, pressed on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes. The young man raced back to his car and exclaimed, “What did you go and do that for?”

The little old lady replied, “That’s what you can do when you’re old and rich!”

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United
States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and
says, ‘Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country , giving
me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!’

The passerby says, ‘You are mistaken, I am Mexican.’

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ‘ Thank you for
having such a beautiful country here in America !’

The person says, ‘I not American, I Vietnamese.’

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand and says, ‘Thank you for the wonderful America !’

That person puts up his hand and says, ‘I am from Middle East , I am
not American!’

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, ‘Are you an American?’

She says , ‘No, I am from Africa !’

Puzzled, he asks her, ‘Where are all the Americans?’

The African lady checks her watch and says…’Probably at work!’

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters “UFO” were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft.
As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young, blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and then waved to the two aliens as they took off. “Do you realize what just happened?” the station owner finally
uttered. “Yeah,” said the blonde attendant. “So?”

“Didn’t you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!”

“Yeah,” repeated the blonde. “So?” “Didn’t you see the letters ‘UFO’ on the side of that vehicle?!”  ”Yeah,” repeated the blonde attendant.

“So?” “Don’t you know what ‘UFO’ means?!” The blonde attendant rolled her eyes. “Good grief, boss! I’ve been working here for five years. Of course I know what ‘UFO’ means – it means ‘Unleaded Fuel Only’.

How a BOY withdraws cash from an ATM.

 1. Park the car

 2. Go to ATM Machine

 3. Insert card

 4. Enter PIN

 5. Take money out

 6. Take ATM Card out

 7. Drive away

 *********

 How a GIRL withdraws cash from an ATM

 1. Park the car

 2. Check makeup

3. Turn off engine 

4. Check makeup

 5. Go to ATM

 6. Hunt for ATM card in the purse

 7. Insert card

 8. Hit Cancel

 9. Hunt in purse for chit with PIN written on it

 10. Insert card

 11. Enter PIN

 12. Take cash

 13. Go to car

 14. Check makeup

 15. Start car

 16. Stop car

 17. Run back to ATM

 18. Take ATM card

 19. Back to car

 20. Check makeup

 21. Start car

 22. Check makeup

 23. Drive for 1/2 mile

 24. Release handbrake

 25. Drive on.

 *********

Two friends were walking through the desert. During some point of the journey, they had an argument and one friend slapped the other one in the face.

The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand:

‘Today my best friend slapped me in the face.’

They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him.

After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone:

‘Today my best friend saved my life.’

The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him, ‘After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now, you write on a stone, why?’

The friend replied, ‘When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand, where winds of forgiveness can erase it away. But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it.’

Learn to write your hurts in the sand and to carve your benefits in stone.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.

Do not value the things you have in your life, but value who you have in your life! 

Husband & Wife – Talk About Husband

One woman told another : “My neighbour is always speaking ill of her
husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but
have I ever said anything bad about him?”

*********

Husband & Wife – Love To Do

A wife, one evening, drew her husband’s attention to the couple next
door and said,

“Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every
time they meet. Why don’t you do that?”

“I would love to.” Replied the husband. “But I don’t know her well
enough.”

*********

Husband & Wife – No Answer Back

A man was telling his friends, “When my wife is infuriated, she starts
shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares
answer her.”

One of his friends asked.”And when you are angry, what do you do?” The
man replied, “I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the
house and none of them dares to answer back.

*********

Husband & Wife – Come Home Late

A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came
home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.

“Take my advice,” said the neighbour, “and do what I did. Once my
husband came home at three o’clock in the morning, and from my bed I
called out: “Is that you, Jim?” And that cured him.

“Cured him !” asked the woman, “but how?” The neighbour said, “You
see, his name is Bill.”

*********

Husband & Wife – Problem Father

“You looked troubled,” I told my friend, “what’s your problem?” He
replied,

“I’m going to be a father.” “But that’s wonderful,” I said. “What’s <!–
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wonderful? My wife doesn’t know about it yet

*********

Q: What is the blonde’s favorite battery?
A: Ever-ready.

Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: “Oh look! Donut seeds!”

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.

Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver’s License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: “Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?”

D- Dear
A- Always
R- Remember
L- Love
I- Is
N- Not
G- Game

…………………………………………………

Wot letters r missin in H__RT?
EA or U?
Pick EA & u get a heart! If u pick U,
U will get hurt!
I’d pick U coz
it’s better to get hurt than have a heart without U!

…………………………………………………

1000 words 1 cud say.
1000 wishes 1 cud pray.
1000 miles legs cud walk.
1000 sounds a mouth cud talk.
1000 times ill b true.
1000 ways 2 say i luv u!

…………………………………………………

8 letters, 3 words, 1 meaning… I love you

…………………………………………………