Saurabh Raj

Albert Einstein was getting bored with making the same speech over and over again at different meetings, so one night, after a long day, his chauffeur jokingly said, “I’ve heard your speech so many times, I know it word for word! Why don’t you take the night off and let me deliver the talk this evening?” Einstein agreed.

When they arrived at the venue, Einstein put on the chauffeur’s uniform and hat, and sat at the back of the hall while the chauffeur took his place on the podium, effortlessly delivering the speech, then inviting the audience to ask questions.

He convincingly answered the first few, but then one pompous man stood up and asked a very difficult question on his theories of relativity.

The chauffeur was flummoxed, but calmly said, “Why, that question is so very easy, I will let my chauffeur answer it!”

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store’s opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curse. On the man’s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown at the end of the line again.

As he got up, he said to the person at the end of the line, “That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won’t open the store!”

A newcomer in town goes to a bar, the bar manager notices he is new and says,”Sir, you’re new, and when you’re new, you have to drink a whole barrel of beer, then fix the crocodile’s sore tooth, then, you give that nice lady right there a hug, or you can’t come to this bar again!”

The newcomers says,”That’s ridiculous!” And leaves the bar.

A couple minutes later, he comes back, he drinks the barrel of beer, then he goes into the backyard.

After a couple screams of bloody murder, screeches, crys of pain, the newcomer returns all bloody and bruised.

Then, he goes up to the manager and says,”Okay, where’s the girl with the sore tooth?”

When a guy’s printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”

“Actually, it is my boss’s idea,” the employee replied sheepishly. “We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

The Indians and Pakistanis at the height of the arms race realized
that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up
the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole
dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the
best fighting dog in the world and which ever side’s dog won would be
entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down
its arms.
The Pakistanis found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches
in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.
They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter,
removed his siblings which gave him all the milk. They used steroids
and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog
the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five
inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Indians showed up with a
strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry
for the Indians because they knew there was no way that this dog
could possibly last ten seconds with the Pakistani dog. When the cages
were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it’s cage and slowly waddled
over towards the Pakistani dog. The Pakistani dog snarled and leaped out
of it’s cage and charged the Indian dachshund. But, when it got
close enough to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund opened it’s
mouth and consumed the Pakistani dog in one bite. There was nothing left
at all of the Pakistani dog.
The Pakistanis came up to the Indians shaking their heads in
disbelief. “We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had
our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and
Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian
wolves.”
“That’s nothing”, an Indian replied. “We had our best plastic
surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a
Dachshund.”

An Old Story:

The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The Grasshopper thinks the Ant is a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away.

Come winter, the Ant is warm and well fed. The Grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

Indian Version:

The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The Grasshopper thinks the Ant’s a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering Grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the Ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. NDTV, BBC, CNN show up to provide pictures of the shivering Grasshopper next to a video of the Ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

The World is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this poor Grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Arundhati Roy stages a demonstration in front of the Ant’s house.

Medha Patkar goes on a fast along with other Grasshoppers demanding that Grasshoppers be relocated to warmer climates during winter.

Mayawati states this as `injustice’ done on Minorities.

Amnesty International and Koffi Annan criticize the Indian Government for not upholding the fundamental rights of the Grasshopper.

The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the Grasshopper (many promising Heaven and Everlasting Peace for prompt support as against the wrath of God for non-compliance).

Opposition MPs stage a walkout. Left parties call for ‘Bengal Bandh’ in West Bengal and Kerala demanding a Judicial Enquiry.

CPM in Kerala immediately passes a law preventing Ants from working hard in the heat so as to bring about equality of poverty among Ants and Grasshoppers.

Lalu Prasad allocates one free coach to Grasshoppers on all Indian Railway Trains, aptly named as the ‘Grasshopper Rath’.

Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the ‘ Prevention of Terrorism Against Grasshoppers Act’ [POTAGA], with effect from the beginning of the winter.

Arjun Singh makes ‘Special Reservation ‘ for Grasshoppers in Educational Institutions & in Government Services.

The Ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes,it’s home is confiscated by the Government and handed over to the Grasshopper in a ceremony covered by NDTV.

Arundhati Roy calls it ‘A Triumph of Justice’.
Lalu calls it ‘Socialistic Justice’.
CPM calls it the ‘Revolutionary Resurgence of the Downtrodden’
Koffi Annan invites the Grasshopper to address the UN General Assembly.

Many years later…
The Ant has since migrated to the US and set up a multi-billion dollar company in Silicon Valley,

…AND

As a result of loosing lot of hard working Ants and feeding the grasshoppers,

India is still a developing country…!!!

Universal law:
“Love can neither be created nor be destroyed; only it can transferred from One girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money.”
First Law:
“A Boy in love with A Girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until or unless any external agent (brother or father of the gal) comes into play and break the legs of the boy.”
Second Law:
” The rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the bank balance.”
Third Law:
“The force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite to the force applied by the girl while using her sandals.”

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a
bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the
bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he
could think of to do to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot
yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even
ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and
put him in the freezer. For a few minutes, the parrot squawked and
kicked and screamed. Then, suddenly, there was total quiet. Not a peep
was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John
quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out
onto John’s outstretched hand and said ‘I believe I may have offended
you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my
inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can
to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.’
John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about
to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his
behavior, the bird continued, ‘May I ask, please, what the turkey
did?’

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit, She instructed her son to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site. 

After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up daddy’s phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.

Women!!

She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap, and she slapped him again, for good measure. 

People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was.

The woman asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called.

Junior said 

“The subscriber you have dialed is not available at present. Please Try AgainLater”…