Saurabh Raj

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were on their way to Heaven. God told them that the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and that on every 5th step He would tell them a joke. He told them not to laugh at any of the jokes along the way or else they would not be able to enter Heaven. The brunette went first and started laughing on the 45th step, so she could not enter Heaven. The redhead went next and started laughing on the 200th step, so she could not enter Heaven either. Then, it was the blonde’s turn. When she got to the 999th step, she started laughing. “Why are you laughing?” God asked. “I didn’t tell a joke.” “I know,” the blonde replied. “I just got the first joke.”

Father??

sraj — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 14:41:59 +0000

A man walks into a supermarket and notices a beautiful woman staring at him.

She stares for quite some time, so finally the man asks, “Do I know you?”

The woman answers “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

The man thinks for a minute, then realizes this kid she is talking
about must be the result of the one and only time he ever cheated on
his wife.

He says to the woman, “Are you that exotic dancer that was at my best
friend’s bachelor party about 5 years ago? You know, the one I did it
with on the pool table while everyone was watching?”

The woman looks at him horrified and says, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”

Two Strangers

sraj — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 14:37:09 +0000

Two strangers, a man and a woman, meet in a cafe.

The man asks, “My Dear, would you go to bed with me for a million dollars?”

“A million dollars?” the woman inquired. “Well, yes, I guess I would.”

“OK,” the man said. “Would you go to bed with me for $100?”

The woman was aghast. “What kind of person do you think I am?” she exclaimed.

The man replied, “My Dear, we have already established that. We are
merely haggling over the price!”

Speeding Charges

sraj — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 14:32:37 +0000

Tyler and Katz, two judges, were each arrested on speeding charges.

When they arrived in court on the appointed day, no one was there. So
instead of wasting time waiting around, they decided to try each
other.

Motioning Tyler to the stand, Katz said, “How do you plead?”

“Guilty,” replied Tyler.

“That’ll be fifty dollars and a warning from the court,” said Katz.

Katz stepped down and the two judges shook hands and changed places.

“How do you plead?” asked Tyler.

“Guilty,” replied Katz.

Tyler reflected for a moment.”These reckless driving cases are
becoming all too common of late,” he pointed out. “In fact, this is
the second such incident in the last quarter hour. That’ll be two
hundred dollars and ten days in jail!”

speech

sraj — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 09:11:47 +0000

Albert Einstein was getting bored with making the same speech over and over again at different meetings, so one night, after a long day, his chauffeur jokingly said, “I’ve heard your speech so many times, I know it word for word! Why don’t you take the night off and let me deliver the talk this evening?” Einstein agreed.

When they arrived at the venue, Einstein put on the chauffeur’s uniform and hat, and sat at the back of the hall while the chauffeur took his place on the podium, effortlessly delivering the speech, then inviting the audience to ask questions.

He convincingly answered the first few, but then one pompous man stood up and asked a very difficult question on his theories of relativity.

The chauffeur was flummoxed, but calmly said, “Why, that question is so very easy, I will let my chauffeur answer it!”

MIND IT!

sraj — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 11:28:44 +0000

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store’s opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curse. On the man’s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown at the end of the line again.

As he got up, he said to the person at the end of the line, “That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won’t open the store!”

newcomer

sraj — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 11:20:42 +0000

A newcomer in town goes to a bar, the bar manager notices he is new and says,”Sir, you’re new, and when you’re new, you have to drink a whole barrel of beer, then fix the crocodile’s sore tooth, then, you give that nice lady right there a hug, or you can’t come to this bar again!”

The newcomers says,”That’s ridiculous!” And leaves the bar.

A couple minutes later, he comes back, he drinks the barrel of beer, then he goes into the backyard.

After a couple screams of bloody murder, screeches, crys of pain, the newcomer returns all bloody and bruised.

Then, he goes up to the manager and says,”Okay, where’s the girl with the sore tooth?”

joke

sraj — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 14:10:46 +0000

When a guy’s printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”

“Actually, it is my boss’s idea,” the employee replied sheepishly. “We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

Indian Way

sraj — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 10:47:51 +0000

The Indians and Pakistanis at the height of the arms race realized
that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up
the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole
dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the
best fighting dog in the world and which ever side’s dog won would be
entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down
its arms.
The Pakistanis found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches
in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.
They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter,
removed his siblings which gave him all the milk. They used steroids
and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog
the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five
inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Indians showed up with a
strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry
for the Indians because they knew there was no way that this dog
could possibly last ten seconds with the Pakistani dog. When the cages
were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it’s cage and slowly waddled
over towards the Pakistani dog. The Pakistani dog snarled and leaped out
of it’s cage and charged the Indian dachshund. But, when it got
close enough to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund opened it’s
mouth and consumed the Pakistani dog in one bite. There was nothing left
at all of the Pakistani dog.
The Pakistanis came up to the Indians shaking their heads in
disbelief. “We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had
our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and
Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian
wolves.”
“That’s nothing”, an Indian replied. “We had our best plastic
surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a
Dachshund.”