June 2008


 1. Ventriloquist: Yesterday my computer talked to you something… What
did it say?
Doll: Intel inside! Mental outside!!
2. Ventriloquist: What’s the difference between a rat and mouse?
Doll: Rat’s tail is at the back! Mouse tail is at the front!!
3. Ventriloquist: I told my wife yesterday “Foolish guys always get
beautiful wives!”
Doll: What was your wife’s reply?
Ventriloquist: She said “Thanks for the compliments!”
Laughter is the best medicine. Please laugh and live longer. 
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Girl: doctr mere lip pe infectin ho gaya hai.
Doctor: kis kitni bar karti ho?
Gl:saal me 1bar!
Doctor- infection nahi”jung” lag gaya hai.
Teacher – Who is Mahatma Gandhi?
Student- He is the one who helped MunnaBhai to impress his
girlfriend
Pehle Ladkiya
Pooja Karke Soti Thi. Taki Inhey Dar Na Lage.(‘;
Magar Aaj-Kal Makeup Kar Ke $oti Hai,
Taki Dusre Na Dar Jaye..!
Banta :- dekh Santa ek saanp
teri biwi ko kaat raha hai.
Santa :- Dar mat yaar.
Vo kaat nhi raha,
vo to zehar bharwane aaya hai
A recent magazine survey, interviewed fifty bartenders and they were
asked if they could identify a customer’s personality on what drinks
they ordered? Although interviewed separately, they concurred on
almost all counts.
The results:
If Women Drink these drinks in a pub … (not at home)
Beer Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Cocktails or Blender drinks with umbrella
Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Mixed drinks – no umbrellas e.g.; Gin and tonic / Scotch and soda
Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants
Approach: If she wants you, she’ll send YOU a drink.
Water
Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship.
Approach: Don’t.
Wine – (bottled, not 4 litre cask)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.
Bacardi Breezer, Red Square , Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, Mudshake etc.
Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has no clue.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is… and you’re in.
Spirits such as Wild Turkey, Southern Comfort
Personality: Watch out, they are unique! A real mixture of
personalities. Love to be laid!
Approach: Talk dirty to them whilst challenging them intellectually – you’re in!
Cape Velvet
Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.
Shots and Slammers (Tequila, Vodka, Aftershock etc.)
Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk.
Approach: Easiest hit in the pub, Nothing to do but wait……
Spirits such as JACKS, BEAM
Personality: Enjoys male company more than females, loves to party hard
Approach: Keep buying them drinks, they’ll think you’re a nice bloke
and they are probably trying to work out how to get you to bed!
IF MEN DRINK in a PUB.. (As always, very simple and clear cut.)
Cider
He’s probably under-aged and wants to get laid.
Cheap Domestic Beer
He’s poor / student and wants to get laid.
Real Ale Beer
He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer
He’s old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Guinness
The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.
Water
He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so
that he can still get laid
Wine
He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image
and help him get laid.
Vodka or Brandy
Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.
Port
Thinks he’s sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.
Whisky/Jack Daniels
He doesn’t give two $hits about anything and will hit anyone who will
get in his way of getting laid.
Jim Beam
Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine
activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting
laid.
Rum or Tequila
Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.
Bacardi Breezer, Red Square , Archers Cooler, Smirnoff Ice, etc
He’s gay (blatantly) – don’t turn your back or pick up any dropped change